The Calm After the Storm

Today wasn't so bad. I actually felt at peace with myself. I'm feeling that with the New Year approaching that I shouldn't take my life for granted and I should live life to the fullest extent. From friends to parties, I'm in control of my destiny. I haven't been on my game like I should but I'm definitely about to make big changes. No one can do it for me so its time to grow up and go swimming with the "big sharks." Life has a unique way of showing you things and I believe it up to me to perceive in a way that is beneficial to me and reach for the stars.

Yesterday's Sunny Day/Today's Rainy Outcome

If my body was on fire, ooh You’ d watch me burn down in flames You said you loved me you're a liar Cause you never, ever, ever did baby...
But darling I’ll still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same.
No, you won’t do the same,
You wouldn’t do the same,
Ooh, you’ll never do the same,
No, no, no, no
-Grenade By Bruno Mars.
Who would of thought a song by Bruno Mars would have reflected how my life was four years ago??? If  I knew then what I know now things would be different. I realized that I loved you too much and I didn't love myself enough. I felt like since I never had my father that you could fill that void in my heart. But to be truly honest with myself it didn't work. I was young then and I felt as though the world owed me something. I had to look inside myself and realized that I didn't exactly know my own self worth and its sad to say that I wasn't too confident within myself, but the Lord sent me someone who could somehow show me that I am worth something and that happy endings do exist. When you love someone it supposed to be equal and somehow I didn't feel that love was reciprocated. I figured that throughout time I could make him love me and I just got fed up and I said to myself that I don't need him and he was hurting me more than loving me. At first it was hard to deal with and I would cry about it and I couldn't understand why the fuck this was happening to me...I lost myself through it all. I did some soul searching and through it all I lost an associate. I say associate because we were never really friends. Real friends are there  for one another and have a connection. But somehow I realized that real friends don't set you up for failure and leave you out to dry. So I say goodbye to bad memories and hello to the wonderful things life has to offer.

Even though we come from two different worlds you've always been there for me and I appreciate you. No one seems to understand me like you do.  I can be having a fucked up day and you and I can converse about it and I feel better. At times I feel as though I don't do enough to help you but I just feel its in my nature. With time I hope our friendship continues grows stronger as well as learn the ropes of life through fashion love and the boys...Love You Ace and thanks for being a TRUE FRIEND!!!!

A Mixture of Both Good & Bad

I woke up this morning feeling somewhat decent. The mission at hand was to go to work and have a successful day...Somehow it didn't go that way. It wasn't completely horrible but it wasn't great either. I've realized that I'm at some type of standstill and I want out. I realize that I can't change my outcome by just talking about it I have to put some action behind it. So with this New Year quickly approaching, I've decided to have a new outlook on life. I can't keep living in the past I have to face my inner demons and forgive those who have caused me pain as well as to forgive myself for the pain I may have caused them. I've realized that I'm far from perfect and I can't judge anyone. We all have a purpose in this life to be the bes t that we can I can't keep settling for just the average. I deserve the best whether it be in respect in general or even a relationship. I want to be better than what mother was and to me she's my hero, but I now understand why she always told me to absorb as much as I could. It taught me that whatever it is that I learn no one can take it away from me. She lives in me everyday and I hope to pass it on to my children in the future. I hope to somehow make a difference in the lives of others that I  encounter in the years to come. This is my motivation to never give up. I have a destiny to fulfill.

A Day in the Life of Me

As a child I always wondered exactly how my life would be. I planned out this whole agenda of what I wanted to do my life and I realized that it doesn't always go the way you want it to. I come from a broken home, my father was never there for me and my mother did all she could so that I have a great life. I feel as though life can be a bitch at moments and that things will get better at some point.  As my mother used to say "what don't kill you will definitely make you stronger." Some days I feel as though I have the world in my hands and then there are other days where I would much rather be underneath a rock. I have a hard time trusting outsiders because they tend to judge me before they know me. I've always been different. I tend to do things in the moment that mean something to me and I put a date on it so that I don't forget it. I find that music helps me through anything that I'm feeling. I can be sad, angry, happy, confused, whatever you think of and music is going to always be my muse. Music keeps me company even when I have no one. I'm a caring person and I tend to care about others more than I should and I didn't pay attention to myself. I've had somewhat of an emotional breakdown and some people couldn't respect my space and so I cut them off. I'm thankful that I could leave that baggage behind and start fresh. Tomorrow isn't always promised so I make the most of my days as much as I can and care about the loved ones who matter the most...